Missing Mother Affirmation can cause the Mother-understanders disorder 12.04.25

Hans-Joachim Maaz:

Mother Affirmation: An affirming mother doesn't want her child to dance to her tune. She is interested and curious about how her child is and wants to develop; she sees and accepts aspects of her child that she herself doesn't like. Of course, it is sometimes difficult to differentiate the child's original characteristics and peculiarities from previously learned incorrect attitudes and attempts to manipulate the mother. The basic maternal attitude is: Be who you really are and become who you can and want to be. It doesn't convey a poisonous message: "I (only) like you if you sense what I need, if you do what I tell you, and if you adapt to my wishes, needs, and possibilities." Instead, the child should learn to understand themselves and be affirmed in their being so that they can develop well according to their potential. The child is encouraged and affirmed in their self-knowledge; they are not meant to become a mother-understander. In this way, the child learns well who they are, what they want, what they can and cannot do; they acquire the necessary self-orientation for their life and are no longer dependent on external influences to find their way. Self-determination also correlates with protection from manipulation. Advertising and propaganda then have little chance. A healthy life always develops in autonomy and dependence. Independence will later predominate in children who receive early mother-affirmation. But subordinating oneself and subordinating oneself, or accepting advice and help, is also no problem at all, because the self-confident experience of autonomy is secure, and therefore community or relationships are not experienced as constraining, but as complementing and enriching. The togetherness of two autonomous people is freedom and complementing, expanding, and considering. The partnership or friendship of autonomous people is low in transference, i.e. You can live well alone, be independent, and transfer neither unfulfilled longings nor excessive disappointments onto a partner or friend.
Being alone and being together are two different needs, both of which should be chosen according to individual needs. Don't stay alone because you shy away from relationships and fear hurt, insult, or manipulation.
And don't cling to a relationship because you've remained needy and dependent, or because you need arguments and therefore don't want to be alone. In both cases, counseling or therapy is recommended. "Mother-understanders" are not uncommon in helping professions. With the imposed orientation toward mother's needs, the "empathy" acquired thereby is not real empathy, which would require good self-awareness. A "mother-understander" is always stuck in emotional stasis and, beneath the social mask of the helper, is belliphilic in their own spiritual depths. Thus, care often degenerates into possessive manipulation and creates dependency: The person in need of help cannot/should not truly mature and become independent. Or the helper must continually find many new people in need in order to endlessly fulfill their own unfulfilled longing for a mother as a "mother-servant." This is self-destructive in the long run (resulting in burnout) and harmful to others (the person being cared for remains dependent and receives no help to help themselves). The emotional pent-up, often suppressed and compensated for in helping, sometimes turns helpers into ideological-moral fighters out of hidden belliphilia when their rescue efforts are critically questioned.

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Missing Mother Affirmation can cause the Mother-understanders disorder 12.04.25

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